Valentine's Day Neurosis

Every mental health clinician knows that patients typically spiral down on holidays. Certainly Valentine’s Day is a loaded gun, whether you're alone or in a relationship. If you’re alone, there’s the obvious dilemma of being lonely and ignored rather than showered with gifts and adoration. There are the self-tormenting questions that arise—why have I still not found someone? Why did he/she leave me? Will I ever, ever, ever find true love? Does true love even exist? Why does he/she have a partner, and not me? And so on. That’s one type of Valentine’s Day Neurosis—the “I was fine being alone just yesterday but today I feel crummy because nobody gave me a box of Russell Stover candy” variety.

It may be some consolation if you’re single to know that for those people in couples, the day also can be fraught with difficulty. Valentine’s Day gives rise to many fights. It’s predictable that most mates fall short of the romantic notions their partners have in mind for them. The mate may forget the day entirely, or give a card that isn’t mushy enough, or give chocolate but no card, or a card but no chocolate—any number of disappointments are possible when expectations run high.  And naturally, expectations may run high because for weeks leading up to February 14, the media bombards us all with images of everlasting, ever-perfect love and constant ads for gifts you may receive if your mate really loves you.

All this expectation spells trouble because it’s highly likely that your mate will have entirely different notions than you about what constitutes an adequate acknowledgement of your bond. Your mate may think three naked hours in bed more than suffices; you may be hoping for a vacation in Tuscany—and vice versa. Valentine’s Day neurosis convinces you that such disappointments—the lack of the hoped-for gift or the lack of the more-exuberant-than-usual display of affection--mean that you aren’t really loved. Any other day of the year you wouldn’t care if your mate got you an ugly card or only six roses instead of a dozen, but on Valentine’s Day, you suddenly care a whole lot. You want the fairy tale, the prince or princess who magically understands everything about you including your deepest whims, you want to be swept off your feet into lover’s lala land.

On Valentine’s Day, we collectively regress into childish thinking about partnership, love, and romance. Maybe you’ve risen above all the hype and you feel nary a twinge even if nobody fawns on you—but many of us lose perspective. We feel truly lousy, rejected, alone, and depressed. For many of us, Valentine’s Day is a rotten, lousy, no-good, very bad day. It’s a day when we confuse the giver with the gift, when we confuse our own self-worth with our partnership status.

It doesn’t have to be so. You can avoid falling prey to Valentine’s Day Neurosis. Try these things:

If you are without a partner, do NOT give in to moping. Take yourself out on a special date. Go to a movie, have a great meal at your favorite restaurant, dress up, get together with your friends, see a comedy show, spend time in nature, write, paint, sing, celebrate the fact that you are here on earth. Remember that it will all be over in a mere few hours. If you start feeling sorry for yourself, let your mantra be, “I am a whole person, an integrated being capable of great love and great wisdom.” And above all, prepare ahead to have a session with your coach or even a friend. I’ll be available for emergency 30-minute “clear-the-distress” sessions all day. Just call or email.

If you have a partner, scratch your wish list. If your partner blows it, remember the other 364 days. Get yourself what your partner didn’t get you. And just as for the singles, if you start feeling sorry for yourself, let your mantra be, “I am a fully grown adult, a whole person, an integrated being capable of love and wisdom.” And for you, too, if you know your partner is romantically challenged, prepare ahead to have a session with your coach or a friend. I’ll be available for emergency 30-minute “clear-the-distress” sessions all day. Just call or email me. See my website for more details.

People Pleasing: Wanting Everyone to Like You

Winston Churchill once said, “You have enemies? Good. That means that you stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

The great leaders in history, it seems, have been adept at going forward in spite of having political enemies. They willingly speak their minds and stand up for what they believe even when others get alienated. But most of us limit just how much we speak out. We’ve learned “pleasing behaviors” at a young age so that other people will like us. We smile even when we aren’t happy. We learn to keep our mouths shut when our opinions differ sharply from those of the popular people in our crowd, or when our first attempt at voicing our views meets with anger. We learn to monitor how others receive our comments or behavior, and then we adjust accordingly.

And that’s because it hurts so very much to be ostracized from the group, to be rejected. A study just published in the journal Psychological Science reported that social rejection actually affects the heart. When subjects were told that others didn’t like them, their heart rates plummeted. In other words, the body seems to carry programming which influences it to try to fit in with the herd, and when that isn’t happening, the body goes into shock mode.

Yet some people manage to move outside the herd. They say their truth and either don’t care how others react, or are willing to live with the consequences. Maybe they feel popular enough with the few supporters they do have to risk rejection by the masses, or maybe truth matters more to them than popularity. In any event, they have embraced what I’ll call “elective unpopularity.” They have alienated others based on choices they’ve made—by joining certain groups, or wearing their hair too long or too short, or by espousing unpopular views--and could probably win those same others back by making other choices.

But then there’s “non-elective rejection,” and that’s where the pain of rejection stings the most. That’s when others just don’t like you because you happen to be you. They don’t like your personality, your being, your presence. Maybe you did something bogus in the past and they can’t and won’t forgive you. Maybe they don’t like how you look or talk or smile or think. Maybe they don’t like the fact that you like someone they don’t like, that you hang out with Joan instead of Joanna, that you defended someone they were angry with, that you (God forbid!) once set a limit, said “No,” or got annoyed with them. Try as you do, you can’t get these people to accept or forgive or understand you. Even those who handle elective unpopularity just fine can find this non-elective rejection intolerable. While you might be fine with the idea that some people reject you because your politics or religion or other group identifications, you might find personal rejection intolerable.

And yet, tolerate it you must, because it’s nearly impossible to make everyone like you. If you make an attempt at it, you’ll exhaust yourself, but that’s just what lots of us do—exhaust ourselves trying to please others. We go into a near frenzy trying to please our detractors in order to turn them around, and we may not even know we’re doing it because our “pleasing behavior” is so automatic—smiling and yessing and staying silent when we have important things to say and doing things for other people instead of caring for ourselves--trying, trying to keep everybody in our fan club.

Of course, to some degree, all of these behaviors are essential in order for us to have a civilized society. I personally don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with stifling yourself to fit in—it’s what your biological nature tells you to do—but the question becomes at what cost do you try to make others like you? No matter what you do, there will always be those who just won’t bite your bait; there will always be those who won’t forgive or accept or love you. And the harder you try to win them all over, the less of yourself will be left for you to love, the less of you there will be to contribute your little authentic piece to the world tapestry.

The bottom line, I think, is that we all need to learn how to live comfortably with the fact that some people just plain don’t and won’t like us-- if we are to retain any integrity. And, we need to know what to do with the sting of rejection should we encounter it, where to put it, how to nurse the ache. Nothing in life prepares us for it. There are no courses in school that teach, systematically, how to be yourself even if it means surviving unpopularity. There are no fail-proof manuals that point out places to store pain and hurt so that we can forge ahead in spite of those feelings. There are no perfect instructions about how to stand up in a crowd that disagrees with you and speak your mind without fear of humiliation or ostracism.

But there are people to look to for inspiration—public figures who have risked all to say the truth; or closer to home, individuals who consistently try to be honest and transparent with us, even at some risk. If you want to stop mindlessly “people pleasing,” you might begin by assembling a support team. First notice who invites you to be yourself and to say what you feel and believe, versus who tries to shut you up. Who, when you have a difference of opinion, has the courage and integrity to work it through with you and listen to your point of view? Who encourages you to speak the truth as you see it? Those who embrace honesty and open communication you can celebrate as true friends—your support team; those who shut it down you can mourn.

And should you encounter rejection, or if you’re living with the hurt of rejection now, ask those on your support team for help. Ask them how they handle such things. Ask them to keep you honest, in spite of the hurt. If you need additional help, you can use techniques that reduce fear and hurt and anxiety—things like meditation and EFT and TAT—to stay on course.

Radical Self-Love Ritual #1

Have a Bathtub Event

When blue, many of us naturally want to immerse ourselves in water. In fact, research shows that bathing can heal a host of ailments--from depression to arthritis to cancer. And so, the next time you feel "out of sorts," try taking a ritual bath to turn things around. Follow these steps:

First, take yourself out to the health food store or the bath shop and splurge on some essential oils that have antidepressant properties. Try bergamont, neroli, chamomile, geranium or rose. You can also make a bath salt blend.

Here's a recipe for "Uplifting Bath Salts" from Eden Foods:

1/2 cup Sea Salt
8 drops pure essential lavender oil
4 drops pure essential rosemary oil
4 drops pure essential geranium oil
6 drops pure essential lemon oil

Bring your essential oil or bath salts into the bathroom, along with inspiring, soothing music or a guided meditation CD. Of course, be sure to keep electric plugs away from the water. Start the music or meditation tape even before you run the bath.

Decorate the bathroom with fresh roses or other flowers that you love, perhaps a crystal, and any other objects that inspire you. Bring in a few candles and light them. Also bring in a soft, cozy robe to wear when you finish. Unplug all telephones.

Arrange top-quality chocolate or another special "treat" item within reach of the tub. Make sure that your treat is something that will leave you feeling wonderful--not sluggish or hyper.

Draw the bath, adding the essential oil or the bath salts and some petals from your flowers.

Immerse yourself, refilling the warm water as you wish. Let the music flow through you, enjoy the candlelight, make a ritual of eating the chocolate or treat.

When done, drain the water and turn on the shower. A recent study found that if you want to beat depression, a cold shower just might do the trick. And so, after you let the warm water run over you for a few minutes, gradually turn it to cold. Alternate between hot and cold at least three times, ending with cold, as the icy water will jolt the last remnants of the blues out of you.

Wrap yourself in the robe and move into a new, more positive space.

Best wishes,

Hiyaguha, The Life Change Coach

Valentine's Day Reality-Test

Valentine’s Day: The romance, the chocolates, the candlelight--The loneliness and disappointment! Last night, I went to a meeting of colleagues and at the end, the organizer asked, “Do you all have plans for Valentine's Day… because our next meeting is set for February 14. Should we reschedule?"

I looked around the room and saw panic flicker across the faces assembled. Then the panic gave way to a ghostly resignation. Most members admitted that they had nothing to do on Valentine's, and so they planned to attend the meeting. I could almost hear unhappy thoughts travel from one person to the next--I never have Valentine’s plans; She's so lucky--she's still married; I wish I had someone in my life...

In truth, a whole lot of people spend Valentine’s Day feeling the pinch of isolation, without a partner, without romance, without a date.

Here are some statistics:

• Twenty-seven percent of all adults live alone
• 51 percent of adults are unmarried
• 13.7 million people are widowed
• Ten percent of adults are divorced (and alone)

Of the 49 percent Americans who are married, many are miserable. In fact, a study of 2000 adults just completed last month revealed that 59 percent of women would leave their husbands if they could afford to, and almost as many men would dump their wives if they had the guts. Sixty percent of all men report having had affairs, and 40 percent of women.

As the data shows, most people aren’t blissfully partnered. And even those who have decent relationships don’t necessarily do romance well. Let’s face it: most people are pretty lame when it comes to sweeping the beloved off the feet. Only a very, very few actually get it—actually succeed in being wildly romantic. How many great partners do stupid things on Valentine’s Day, or just do the typical flowers and chocolate thing because they don’t have the romance gene and can't think of what else to do?

So back to Valentine’s Day… it’s a huge setup! I admit that I personally love the day because I’m a chocolate fiend and a Libra with a score of planets ruled by Venus—I can’t help being romantic--and I’m lucky enough to have a Libra mate. But, I do think that collectively, we would be better served if Valentine’s Day included more of us.

In a country where so many of us live alone or live lonely, we need a holiday celebrating our own wonder—a “Cherish Your Own Self” day. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be depressing. We can make it a special time to love and care for ourselves, to pamper ourselves with treats and flowers, to remember how lucky we are to be alive and to be the unique and wonderful beings that we are. So don't pretend Valentine's doesn't exist come Thursday--write yourself a love poem, take a long bath, get yourself a present, and make a real effort to appreciate yourself like never before --no kidding!

Best Wishes,

Hiyaguha, The Life-Change Coach

http://www.thelifechangecoach.com/

Treating Yourself With Love When You're Sick

healing, self-love,, self-care

When your beloved car goes into the shop, you probably don't blame it for being a defective piece of machinery. You figure even good cars break down after a while--it's inevitable--and so you do the necessary repairs and still love the vehicle. Likewise, when your friend's car breaks down, you feel sympathy for her, but you don't immediately blame her for automobile negligence.

And yet, when that same friend gets sick, some of us immediately get to thinking about what she did wrong to invite the illness. Did she have a "negative attitude"that allowed disease to attack? Did she eat with abandon? Did she forget to do cleanses, or to take immune boosters, or to do tai chi?

When you think this way, your message to your friend becomes one of blame. Your intention might be good--to help your friend figure out the underlying causes so she can figure out an action plan to get well, but the message is more like, "You did something wrong (you poor thing), therefore you're sick." No matter your intent, the impact is not one of healing.

Even worse, we tend to run ourselves through the same type of interrogation, looking for the ways in which we slipped that led to our illness. It's bad enough that we're sick, but then on top of that, we beat on ourselves for being vulnerable. We feel a kind of shame in being ill, as if the illness itself indicates that we've done something wrong. And because we feel that shame, we try to hurry up and get well, pushing the pace beyond our body's natural healing rhythm.

Here's an alternative message to give to yourself when ill: "All bodies break down. All bodies need rest. This body needs rest right now. This is a wonderful body. I love this body and will take care of it, give it rest right now, and never blame it for needing maintenance. Instead, I will love and love it and thank it for telling me when it needs rest and care."

Now, the next time a friend gets sick, try giving this same message to your friend, and really try to see your friend's body as a wonderful machine, instead of a repository for wrong thinking and wrong eating. I suspect you'll help your friend to heal a lot faster.

Best Wishes, Hiyaguha, The Life Change Coach