A Surprising Fact About Fighting in Relationships

If you think it’s the horror and ugliness of fighting that lands so many relationships in the toilet, here’s something new to chew on.

A recent study out of the University of Minnesota has found that those who recover well from fighting have a better chance of relationship happiness, no matter the intensity of the fight. Sure, horrible fights take their toll, but if you have a partner who gets over it quickly, that toll will be less. According to lead researcher Jessica Salvatore, “What we show is that recovering from conflict well predicts higher satisfaction and more favorable relationship perceptions. You perceive the relationship more positively."

The cool thing is that only one of the partners needs to recover well for the benefits to manifest. So even if you’re the one given to moping and resenting after the fireworks subside, your partner can improve the relationship simply by recovering better than you do.  “If I'm good at recovering from conflict, my husband will benefit and be more satisfied with our relationship," Salvatore said.

This means that having knock-down fights with your partner isn’t necessarily fatal to the relationship, especially if one or both of you can let the past be dust. Of course, the less fighting the better, but let’s face it: most relationships do have times of collision, and that’s simply reality.

Perhaps accepting that reality—that fighting is a normal part of the relationship game--is one of the key components that helps people to get over fights. If you buy the Hollywood notion that love means you “fit perfectly and have no conflict” -- bumps in the road will seem catastrophic to you. But if you believe that fighting is inevitable and also survivable, you’ll have much more ability to recover from it.

Another factor, the researchers say, is early childhood experience. Those people who had dependable, emotionally responsive caregivers as babies seem to have a better ability to recover from fights, compared to those who grew up with deficient or uneven care.  Salvatore says, "If your caregiver was better at regulating your negative emotions as an infant, you tend to do a better job of regulating your own negative emotions in the moments following a conflict as an adult." 

 Again, even if you had miserable upbringing and fighting leaves you ravaged, your partner’s resilience can make the difference. In fact, Salvatore says, “People who were insecurely attached as infants, but whose adult romantic partners recover well from conflict, are likely to stay together. What this shows is that good partners in adulthood can help make up for difficulties experienced early in life.”

One thing that the researchers don’t mention is that recovery skills can be learned. Energy meridian healing techniques like TAT can help you get over conflict fast, and at a deep level. Instead of suffering after a fight, you can spend half an hour leading yourself through a session and emerge feeling just fine. Go to www.tatlife.com and get the free download to find out how to easily and painlessly help yourself in this way.

Blessings,

Hiyaguha

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Self-Love Ritual #3: Create a Personal Refuge

When my dog gets frightened, she runs to her bed and huddles there. Animals naturally seek refuge when stressed, and perhaps we can take a lesson from their wisdom.

Remember playing "tag" as a kid--and having "home base" as a designated safe place? Without home base, the game would have been too stressful. Likewise, when the adult game of life gets too tense and difficult, it helps to have a home base--a protected sanctuary where nobody can disturb you, where you can take a breather away from the bills, the emails, the phone calls, the problems and conflicts. And this home base--this refuge--can be your own safe place to retreat to whenever problems assail you -- a place for regeneration, self-nurturing, protection.

How to Create Your Own Refuge

1. SET YOUR INTENT. Your refuge is your place. It should not be shared with anyone else. So first, if you share your home with others, you must give yourself permission to have a special place just for you--just for your own comfort and nurturing. As you design your refuge, remind yourself that you are creating this space for your own growth and care.

2. LOCATION. If possible, choose a permanent location in your home for your refuge. It can be as grand as an entire room, or as modest as a carboard box covered with beautiful cloth in a corner. I once knew a man who lived in such a tiny apartment that his only option was to open his oven door and put a cloth over it whenever he needed refuge. Outdoor refuges also can work well.

3. OBJECTS TO CREATE THE REFUGE. Decorate your refuge with any objects that uplift, inspire, and comfort you. Possibilities include candles, fresh flowers, crystals, favorite rocks or seashells, photographs of people who fill you with joy or inspiration, photos of yourself at your best, reminders of things you're proud of, objects from nature or pictures that inspire you, a favorite blanket, a cozy pillow, aphorisms you love, music that relaxes you, paints, keyboards, drums, and so on.

4. INAUGURATING YOUR REFUGE. It's nice to have a special ceremony to initiate your refuge. Design your own inauguration, drawing from whatever traditions resonate for you. Some people like to burn sage or incense, which does set a tone of sanctity. You can write out your intent and read it, or scatter rose petals or recite chants of blessing--whatever cements in your consciousness the idea that you're creating a sacred space for yourself.

5. USING YOUR REFUGE. Use your refuge to contemplate, to journal, to wrap yourself in cozy warmth until you feel better--as a place to retreat to anytime you need to feel safe, centered, and nurtured.

I welcome photos of your refuges to inspire other readers, as well as your ideas on how to create a wonderful sacred space for self-care.

Blessings,

Hiyaguha, The Life-Change Coach