Musings on Shame

Shame is one of the three main blocks to seeing the face of God, according to the great Indian saint, Sri Ramakrishna. The first time I read that, something inside of me resonated so powerfully, because I realized that at a deeper level, it means that everything, absolutely everything, about ourselves has to be accepted. It also reminded me that just about everyone on earth has something deep inside that they feel ashamed of. In other words, we’re all ashamed of ourselves, but we’re all in this “shame-pot” together, and the irony is that shame usually arises because we think, “Oh, I’m the only one who feels this way or who did such and such.” And everyone else is thinking the same thing, that they’re the only one.

No matter what thought or deed you’re shamed by, you can be sure hundreds, thousands, or even millions of other people have had the same ugly thought or impulse. We all came to earth with egos—there’s just no getting around it, and egos cause us to do things, say things, think things that just aren’t pretty. But as Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Fifth Agreement , humans are the only species that keep punishing themselves over and over again for transgressions. When we carry around shame, we keep punishing ourselves nonstop, every minute, for something finished, done, gone.

The thing about shame is the more you try to ignore whatever shames you, the more you refuse to look it, the worse it stinks, like food leftovers stashed in the back of your closet. If you want to be free, you need to be brave and unearth the shameful truth. If you need professional help to do so, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Remember, even the professional you see undoubtedly grapples with shame. Nobody is above it—nobody, except maybe a handful of saints.

I just saw an amazing documentary called What I Want My Words to Do to You about women inmates who had committed heinous crimes and who sought redemption. These women had all done terrible things, murder and so forth, but now they were in a writing group in prison where they wrote about their crimes, in detail, dredging up the shame and guilt they felt, accepting responsibility, facing their darkest selves head on. Their courage brought me to tears. We all have ugly places inside, and to transform the darkness we need to expose it to the light with the absolute bravery and honesty of those women. If they can do it, so can we.

Dr. Hiyaguha Cohen offers life coaching by Skype or phone and in-person Hawaii counseling. Click HERE to go to her website.

Thank you for visiting the Radical Love blog!

Musings on Sound and Silence

Lately I've been contemplating silence. In the beginning was the word, but what did it begin? Duplicity, duality, delusion. Without words, these things aren't possible. Before the word, what was there? Silence, utter silence, and naked truth--truth so deep and empty that perhaps the creatures of the universe cried out in protest and invented webs of words and sounds to prove the emptiness didn't exist.

But it does. Silence is the start and the finish. We are planted in the world of sound because we exist on earth, but we are heading toward, hurtling toward the world of silence because that is the only possible journey, and words have always been our traveling partners. We must, of course, communicate through words so we don't alienate others, so we can join them in the flow of love. But the words we use must come only after we live, breathe, embrace and become silence. Then we finally will find the right words, the words that dance on the flow of light, the words that invite and embrace and caress instead of that alienate and confuse.

The word is the cause of so much strife. It is the resting place of ego. Through the word, the ego asserts its existence and stakes its territory. Only silence can transform the word into the tool of the soul. Those of us seeking higher consciousness must find the space between sounds, the place between thoughts, must hold apart the vibration of appearances long enough to slip through into the lap of eternity. We must erase the word and enter into the smile; stop the story and enter into the soundless hum.
Love and blessings,
Hiyaguha

Dr. Hiyaguha Cohen offers life coaching by Skype or phone and in-person Hawaii counseling. Click HERE to go to her website.

Thank you for visiting the Radical Love blog!

A Ritual to Let Go of the Past

Sometimes, letting go of an old hurt or problem takes more than an act of will. You consciously make an effort to forget about it, you talk to friends and counselors, you write about it, you pray and meditate—and still, the issue nags you like a mosquito that just won’t quit. If you’ve been down this road and still suffer from your hurt or issue, you might want to try a special ceremony to purge the problem from your life for good.

This is a ritual for marking the death of your problem; for burying it:

1. Enlist a support team to share in the ritual with you. Even if you want to keep the problem a secret, this step is important. Knowing that there are people who are for you, who “have your back,” is key. Also, when you perform the ritual with a circle of people, you create amplified energy toward eradicating the issue. Even one other person will be a help, but if you can gather a circle of five to seven, that will be best.

2. Create a space for the ritual. A beautiful place outdoors is best. The space should inspire you with a feeling of peace and safety. Mark the spot with objects that represent the life you want to move toward—and with objects that inspire you with a feeling of sanctity. Flowers, crystals, photographs, and so on work well.

3. Gather your support circle together. Write down the problem and describe it in detail. Then, if possible for you, describe the problem aloud to your circle. This can be difficult if you feel shame about the issue, but again, this step can be of enormous help. One way to ease the difficulty can be to invite others to participate by also sharing and then purging their issues, so that it becomes a group purging ritual. Invite those in your circle to offer their support and good wishes, both aloud and inwardly, to help you become free of the problem.

4. Light a match to your paper, and watch your problem burn. Please make sure that you have a dish or plate of some sort to burn upon, and create a safe place to do this—you can, for instance, have a metal barrel to toss burning papers into.

5. When the problem has burned, bury the ashes.

6. Offer an affirmation aloud, such as “I am now free of my problem of _______. I do not need it any longer. I am now free to go on to the next steps in my life. I am grateful for the help I have received in saying goodbye to this problem. May I be of help to others who need to let go of the issues that bind them.”

If you wish, you can mark the end of the ceremony with music, or burning of sage, or a shared meal.

I sincerely hope that this ceremony helps you move beyond whatever holds you back. Please let me know how it works for you, and please share if you have any suggestions for making it even more powerful or effective.

Many Blessings,

Hiyaguha, The Life-Change Coach

Dr. Hiyaguha Cohen offers life coaching by Skype or phone and in-person Hawaii counseling. Click HERE to go to her website.

Thank you for visiting the Radical Love blog!

Cool Ways to Meet New People

Feeling isolated? Spending too much time on the computer and not enough time face-to-face with actual humans? Or just moved to a new place where you know nobody? Stop moping! There are lots of ways to break out of loneliness—but you need to take that first step. Here are some great methods for quickly connecting with likeminded souls:

1. Go to http://www.meetup.com/. This site allows you to join groups in your area around common interests, or to start a group of your own.For instance, where I live in Santa Fe, the Meetup site lists regular meetings around reading, writing, poker, French, politics, philosophy, knitting, movie-going, meditation, mothering, technology, and so on. Just click on the group that interests you, sign up, and then show up for the meeting. Membership is usually free.

2. Check http://www.craigslist.com/ in your area. Click on “Community” and then “Groups” or “Activities.” A recent search in my city yielded book groups, women’s groups, personal growth groups, and many other interesting possibilities.

3. Invite your neighbors to some event at your home—even if they haven’t reached out to you. Try a barbecue, a high tea, or even a video viewing.

4. Join…a church, a club, a political group, a class, a volunteer organization. Check your Chamber of Commerce for lists of existing organizations or educational opportunities.

Once you find interesting people, do NOT wait for them to extend a hand to you—it may never happen, even if they like you a lot. Instead, take a deep breath and make some overture to get together. Invite the potential friend to meet you for coffee, or to go for a long walk with your dogs, or to come over for dinner. If that doesn’t work out, move down your list to the next person.

It’s up to YOU to find the amazing and wonderful people in your vicinity—they’re out there, but you’ll probably have to break out of your shell a bit to connect to them. For some this process comes naturally, but for others, it's a huge stretch. I promise you that it's worth the effort.

Do you have other avenues for meeting people offline? Please share your suggestions with the rest of us.

Many Blessings,
Hiyaguha, The Life Change Coach

Dr. Hiyaguha Cohen offers life coaching by Skype or phone and in-person Hawaii counseling. Click HERE to go to her website.

Thank you for visiting the Radical Love blog!

Accessing Your Inner Guidance

Let's face it: most of us would like to wake up one morning to find a note from God on the night table telling us exactly what we should be doing. This is especially true when things go wrong, when we have a difficult choice to make. We want answers, clarity. And since that note from God doesn't show up even after we implore the heavens, we turn to anyone with an opinion--psychics, therapists, clergy, spouses and so on --seeking advice, seeking answers.

And getting advice is good--except that in collecting everybody else's opinion, you may forget to consult the most important source of wisdom and insight and knowledge--yourself. I truly believe that each of us holds the ultimate wisdom for ourselves. We just need to learn how to access that wisdom and be fearless when answers come.

Here are a few techniques that might help you to discern your own inner voice:

1. Notice when your heart lights up. Look around your room and when you see something that you love, pay attention to all the sensations that thing elicits in you. Mentally describe how that object makes you feel, giving words to the sensations and writing your words down. Now look around for something that turns you off and do the same thing. Try repeating this in a room full of people, noting how your body reacts to people who draw you and people who repulse you. Use your reactions as a blueprint for creating your psychic radar device, letting it guide you to those things that light you up and away from those that make you uncomfortable whenever you need to make a decision, large or small.

2. Pay attention to your solar plexus. When you can't tell how you feel about something, put your hand over your solar plexus and quickly ask yourself, "Do I like/want this thing?" See if you get a hint of a "uh huh" or a "no."

3. Clear your mind and invoke. Pray, meditate, listen to music, walk in nature--do whatever helps you to clear your mind and go to that calm place within yourself. Once you reach that state, take out a notebook and try not to think. Just pose your question and start writing. Some of you may feel that the Divine guides your hand; for others, it will clearly feel like your own inner wisdom writes through you. It doesn't matter--the results will probably astound you. This method really works!

Once you get some hints that shed light on your dilemma, it makes sense to also draw on the wisdom of others. That's the time to assemble your support team for validation and to deepen your insights. But, of course, if the above methods don't work--don't wait. Reach out! Sometimes we do need others to lead us back to ourselves.

Many blessings,

Hiyaguha

Finding Your Perfect Spot

You wouldn’t release a Polar Bear in Hawaii nor a parrot in Helsinki; you wouldn’t raise a kangaroo in Newark nor a hippo in Queens. I truly believe that, like the animals, most of us have a best spot on the globe, a place that resonates for us, and while some can manage to adjust to any environment, others really are “geographic sensitives.” We need to find our place.

Many years ago, I moved from New England to Washington, D.C. From the very start, I felt like I had landed on Mars. I missed everything about New England—the stone walls, the colonial architecture, the curving roads, the evergreen foliage. I simply couldn’t relate to Washington’s neat streets laid out in a grid, nor to all the traffic. And yet, a dear friend of mine thrives in Washington. She has little use for the undeveloped outposts I’ve lived and loved.

The price of living in the wrong place can be high. For me, Washington brought on near catatonia. I just didn’t feel like myself. In fact, I got very ill. Moving away from that city worked an instant cure—and I know many people who have had similar experiences.

If YOU don’t feel joy when you look out your window, if you sometimes wonder if other places might bring out better aspects of yourself—you might want to check out where you “belong,” according to the experts.

How can you find your best spot? Here are a few resources that might help:

http://www.findyourspot.com/. This wonderful site asks a slew of detailed questions to help you discover where in the US you’ll find compatible climate, geographical features, culture, and people. Plus, it has loads of information about living in the various destinations.

Locational Astrology. If you believe in astrology, take it to the next level with a geographical astrology reading. You’ll learn what energies will rule for you in various locations, what your “best spots” are, and what places to avoid. I recommend Moses Sinegar of Astrology of the Soul.

100 Best Art Towns in America. If you’re an artistic type or just love artsy people, this book offers a great resource.

Enjoy the quest, and if you know of any other resources for finding interesting places to land, please share them here. I’ll talk about how to survive the “wrong” spot in a future blog.

Blessings,Hiyaguha, The Life-Change Coach

Self-Love Ritual #3: Create a Personal Refuge

When my dog gets frightened, she runs to her bed and huddles there. Animals naturally seek refuge when stressed, and perhaps we can take a lesson from their wisdom.

Remember playing "tag" as a kid--and having "home base" as a designated safe place? Without home base, the game would have been too stressful. Likewise, when the adult game of life gets too tense and difficult, it helps to have a home base--a protected sanctuary where nobody can disturb you, where you can take a breather away from the bills, the emails, the phone calls, the problems and conflicts. And this home base--this refuge--can be your own safe place to retreat to whenever problems assail you -- a place for regeneration, self-nurturing, protection.

How to Create Your Own Refuge

1. SET YOUR INTENT. Your refuge is your place. It should not be shared with anyone else. So first, if you share your home with others, you must give yourself permission to have a special place just for you--just for your own comfort and nurturing. As you design your refuge, remind yourself that you are creating this space for your own growth and care.

2. LOCATION. If possible, choose a permanent location in your home for your refuge. It can be as grand as an entire room, or as modest as a carboard box covered with beautiful cloth in a corner. I once knew a man who lived in such a tiny apartment that his only option was to open his oven door and put a cloth over it whenever he needed refuge. Outdoor refuges also can work well.

3. OBJECTS TO CREATE THE REFUGE. Decorate your refuge with any objects that uplift, inspire, and comfort you. Possibilities include candles, fresh flowers, crystals, favorite rocks or seashells, photographs of people who fill you with joy or inspiration, photos of yourself at your best, reminders of things you're proud of, objects from nature or pictures that inspire you, a favorite blanket, a cozy pillow, aphorisms you love, music that relaxes you, paints, keyboards, drums, and so on.

4. INAUGURATING YOUR REFUGE. It's nice to have a special ceremony to initiate your refuge. Design your own inauguration, drawing from whatever traditions resonate for you. Some people like to burn sage or incense, which does set a tone of sanctity. You can write out your intent and read it, or scatter rose petals or recite chants of blessing--whatever cements in your consciousness the idea that you're creating a sacred space for yourself.

5. USING YOUR REFUGE. Use your refuge to contemplate, to journal, to wrap yourself in cozy warmth until you feel better--as a place to retreat to anytime you need to feel safe, centered, and nurtured.

I welcome photos of your refuges to inspire other readers, as well as your ideas on how to create a wonderful sacred space for self-care.

Blessings,

Hiyaguha, The Life-Change Coach